Tuesday 25 July 2006

The Train I took…

Ah finally the work is over. I have to catch the bus to reach Churchgate now. I have to catch the 6:04 local to Borivali at any cost. I have to. It is already late. I should run to the bus stop. Oh god there is a big queue here for the bus. Bus No. 82… 82… – Hah – here it comes. I run and jump on the bus. Boy, had to cling on to the door handle lest I fall. But at least I am on my way! Oh damn the red light. C’mon it’s getting late to reach the station. I look at my watch. C’mon…C’mon.

Oh well finally I can see the station. Am getting late – I must jump before the stop and rush to the station. I jump and fall on the road. Damn. Now I will have to get the shirt washed tonight. Never mind. I am ok otherwise. I should run to the station now or I won’t catch my train. There… There I see the local all set and ready. I must run. Oh shit – I should have seen that lady coming from the other side. “Oh Sorry Madam – I did not intend to trip over you”. I mumble – “Sorry – I hope you are fine. I have to really rush. Have to take that train Maam. Please don’t mind. I am extremely sorry”. I remember I have to also take the ticket. I glance at the ticket counters. Oh shit. How many people need tickets today? It’s a huge queue. Never mind – I shall go without ticket today for once. I have to catch this train. I simply have to. Oh God no – the train is moving. I must forget about the ticket and run. Yes run. I hold my top shirt pocket (lest my mobile falls) and run. There are others running too. What do I do – what do I do? I have to… I have to catch the train. God please. I see a hand stretched out to pull me in. I have to hold that hand somehow. But it’s dangerous. What the hell – I need to get in somehow. I see a man slowing down on the platform in front of me. Bloody hell – he will hit me… he will hit me. I take the outstretched hand and put my right foot on the floor of the train. With all my strength I catch the bar on the entrance of the train with other hand and lift my other foot to hang on to the running train. I brushed against the arm of the man who was slowing down. I just missed hitting him. I looked back and shouted “Sorry!”

I was relieved. I had finally managed to take my train. Now I shall have no problems. Boy! It was a close shave though! With the wind hitting me hard from other side I felt my sweat drying up. This position is uncomfortable really. Will have to get in at the next station when some people get down. I don’t think I will get a seat – will I? I see some people getting down at Marine Lines station. I push myself inside to finally get jammed amongst others. Oh God – this is worse. It is sultry in here. Was I ok in my original position? Too late to change that now - I already see 5 other hands on the bar where mine was. I have to be in this position for some more time I guess. Fine – so be it.

It is my son’s Birthday today. I have to get down at Borivali station and buy a gift for him. He has always wanted a Video game. I shall buy him the one Mr. Sharma has bought for his son. It is costly though. But I did a smart thing by saving a few rupees in the last 4 months – just for this day. Oh it doesn’t matter that I have not bought regular medicines for myself. Could not have done both in my salary! My Medicines are so bloody costly. But then I am sure the happiness and the smile on my son’s face would compensate for the lack of medicines. I can start taking my medicines from next month onwards. I will not die if I don’t take medicines for a few days. Nah. My Blood Pressure seems to be doing well! Well, a bit on the higher side lately. But that’s ok. Should not bother my family with such small things – should I?

My thoughts go back to my son. What a lovely kid. He is so cute. He stood first in his class you know. He loves drawing. He will be a great artist in future. I will have to save a few bucks next month to buy him a big drawing board and a few drawing sheets along with those colors that he keeps using up! Yes I will do that next month (forget the medicines). I also have to buy him a bicycle. He keeps referring to the small bicycle his friend has. It indeed looks very good. But it is worth 4K. How will I arrange for his Bicycle? Mmmmm… we will see. I shall gift it to him on the new year – he will be very happy. Yes – I will have to do it for him. Don’t want him to feel let down by his father. I want to do everything I can for him. He won’t have to struggle like me. I will make sure of it. Yes Sir I will.

My son loves his Grandmother and adores my Dad too. They in turn love him more than I thought was possible from a human being. Oh yes – that reminds me, I have to show my mother to the doctor this week. What time was it? I think 7:00 PM on the coming Saturday. Yes – that is it. The doctor charges heavily I must say. But then what can be done? He is the best there is in our area. Can’t compromise on the treatment of my Parents. Ma has not been keeping well for some years now. This Doctor has been good. At least her pains have reduced. The earlier Doctor was useless – he just minted money – nothing else. Thanks to Shiva (my dear friend) for referring us to the current Doctor. He calls my Mother Mataji you know! He respects her a lot. He is like God to my Mother. Will have to leave early from work on Saturday to be at the Doctor’s clinic on time. But will I be able to get out early from work? Oh – will have to manage somehow. Will see if my wife can go with her this time otherwise. Don’t want to put extra pressure on my wife – poor lady has so much to do throughout the day as it is.

My heart goes out to her. She has been a darling ever since she has come into my life. I have not been able to fulfill most of her wishes due to my limited earnings – but she has always laughed off and trudged along. She has been a true companion. I don’t get much time to spend with her now after our kid was born and with my Parents having come in to stay with us. She is so happy to have Ma & Papa around. She keeps telling me “they are our real source of strength”. Our Wedding Anniversary is approaching. I have not done much for her off late. I will present her gold earrings this time. Will have to borrow money to do it. But will do it anyways. Have been planning for last couple of years and have not been able to buy any ornament for her. This time I want to do it. She will be very happy I know. She has been wearing the same old earrings for the last 6 years. I feel ashamed and feel helpless. No more of that helplessness anymore. Will borrow some money and will return it once I get my salary increment this time. Would do anything to bring a smile on her face really.

We have reached Khar Road Station. Will have to shift my position now just to stretch a bit. Will go… Is this my phone ringing? Oh gosh. Now who is this? How do I get my hand to the shirt pocket? Wait – let me try. Ah… yeah I got it. I almost drop my Cell. Oops… Here it is. “Hello? Hello? Oh Shiva - Hey man – where are you?” Shiva is asking me where am I? I tell him “I am at Khar Road Station”. He is shouting about something. I ask him “What? What? …” He is still shouting at the top of his voice – BOMB BOMB…

BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM… 6:24PM


Where am I? Where am I? Oh God. What happened? Where am I? Why am I lying on the floor? Where am I? Oh please no… there is blood all around me. Oh God, Oh God… What is it on my stomach? Oh bloody hell – it’s someone’s hand. It’s someone’s hand. I must remove it. Why am I not able to lift my hand? Where is my right hand? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Where is my right hand? Where…. I fainted.

Oh… I am thirsty. I am thirsty. Please someone give me water. Give me some water please. Ah here you go. “Thank you Sir”. I must get up. Where am I? Oh so much blood around. What happened? What happened? Where is my phone? Where? I should get up and run. I can’t – I can’t – there is too much of pain. Someone please help me. Please help me. I have to go home. Today is my son’s birthday. I have to buy him a gift. He loves video games. I am getting late. It’s getting dark already. I have to… I have to get up… I fainted.

I am thirsty. There is water being pored on my face. I am moving. Oh finally I am moving. Good God – thank you. But no – I am not moving – I am being carried away. Two people. I can see two people carrying me in some kind of a bed sheet. There are too many people around. What happened? Where am I? Where is my son? Where is my family? Oh God – there… there has been an accident. Oh yes… it was terrible. Why don’t I remember anything? There has been an accident. There… no wait. There was a huge sound. Terribly loud. Was it… Was it a Bomb? Yes… now I remember. Shiva had called me… There is darkness all around. I fainted.

I am thirsty. I have pain, severe pain in my body. There is blood in my eyes I think. I must clear it. I can’t, I can’t. I look to my right. Oh God no… no… no… Please no… “Excuse me… Excuse me Sir. You have left my hand somewhere”. The person in my front never looks back. I call him again. “Excuse me Excuse me… my hand.. my hand… We have left it behind. Please bring it back. Please. I can’t go without my hand. Oh God please. Please help me. My hand… My hand…” I don’t have strength… I am feeling weak...

Oh it is paining. Where am I? Where am I? Where are other people? Is this some kind of hospital? Oh yes looks like. There is blood all over my body. I see a nurse on my right side. She is trying to do something on my arm. I turn to her. “I … Oh my hand. My hand… Sister I have left my hand near the train. You must get it. Please for God’s sake. Please Maam. Get me my hand”. I am crying loudly now. I hold her with my left hand. I must try to get up. I can see her eyes. She is crying… She is crying. “Oh please don’t cry. I will ask someone else. Or I will go myself. Please don’t cry”. I can see a lot of blood on the bed sheet on my right side. I must get up… I…

Am thirsty. Am extremely thirsty. Have severe headache. Where am I? Oh there was an accident… no-no a Bomb went off. I am wearing hospital clothes. There is no blood on the cloth. I look around. There are many like me on other beds. Doctors are running around. There have been many injured I guess. I must go home. I must at least inform my family – they must be getting worried. I… Oh I have lost my cell phone. How to contact my home? I must call the nurse. “Excuse me Sister. Excuse me. Can I make a phone call”? She says “Later Sir. Please bear with us. We have other patients to look at too. I shall get you my cell phone later for you to make a call – ok?” I see someone I know on the other side on bed. I must go and see him. I try to get up. Oh it is painful. I try to take support. Where is my hand? Where is my right hand? Oh god no… I have lost it. I have lost my right hand. No, No, No… how will I live without a hand. How will I live? I start crying. I can’t stop tears anymore. I have lost my hand. I keep crying. I feel very weak. I try to get up somehow. I take support from my only hand. I try to put my foot to the edge of my bed. Oh God nooooooooooooooo… I am falling down. I… I am falling down. There is darkness.

Happy Birthday to you... Happy Birthday to you... Happy Birthday dear Son – happy Birthday to you… “Dad! Dad! This is a beautiful Game Dad! I love this game. I knew you would get me one this time! I am so happy. I am so happy Dad! I love you”. My Son is a real beauty. It feels so wonderful to see him happy and smiling. Life seems so beautiful at these times. My Wife is smiling and laughing at the other end with one of her friends. There is a crowd of 50 odd people around. This is a wonderful evening. My son looks like a prince in his white dress his Grandparents gifted him. He is running around showing everyone the video game. I will never allow sadness anywhere near him. Never…

I am lying on the bed. Have been crying ever since I woke up. I have lost my right hand… my… my… both legs.  I have got crippled for life. I have a whole life to live – a family to support. I can feel a mask on my nose. Oh, looks like an Oxygen mask. My other parts of the body must also be malfunctioning. Oh God all this violence… What a waste? What a bloody waste?

There was a young Nurse and a Doctor standing near by. “Nurse did you hear the news? Looks like there were 6-7 blasts. Many hundred have died and many more have got injured. Those damn terrorists. What have these innocent people got to do with their objectives? What will they achieve by killing innocent men/women? What – for devils sake – what?” Doctor continues to show his anguish at no one in particular – “Those people claim it as a victory of Jihad. Is this victory? They should be brought here and made to look at these unfortunate people. Is this victory?” The Nurse had tears in her eyes. “ I know how it is Doctor. I… I… I lost my fiancée in one of the blasts. He was on that train from Churchgate and … and was in the same First Class compartment which got bombed. We were supposed to get…”

“Excuse me Excuse me…” I shouted. They both turned. I asked the Nurse on which train was her Fiancée coming? She told me the 6:04 Borivali local. “Where did the Bomb go off? In the First Class compartment?” I ask. She looked down and nodded her head. But I was… I was in second-class compartment. I regularly travel in 2nd class compartments. How was I injured? This must be a mistake. I must be dreaming. I cannot be in the First Class … Oh no. Oh God no. I was running on the platform… I caught the hand of a person and… and jumped in. Oh – it must have been the First class compartment.  Oh of all the days – of all the days, was it necessary for me to travel in the First Class compartment today? Why God – Why?  Didn’t I have enough troubles in life already? Did I deserve to… Oh God I am sweating. My… There is pain in my chest. My body is shaking. “Nurse… Nurse…” There is darkness.

“Ma… Ma… Ma… I have got 95% marks this year Ma. I have come 4th in my class. Isn’t that great Ma?” “Oh my son… that is absolutely great”. She is hugging me. Hugging me tight. She has tears in her eyes. “Why are you crying Ma? Have I done anything wrong? I could not top in my class. Are you sad because of that?” “No, No… No my son. You have always made us proud. We will always be proud of you irrespective of whether you top the class or not. For us whatever you do is the best for us. We love you without any inhibitions Son. I am sure your Dad will be extremely happy to hear the results.” I hug her tighter  “Oh Ma… Thank You. Thank You Ma… Ma… Ma…”

I open my eyes. I am in a more isolated room. There are lots of machines around me. There are some wires attached to my body. There is no one around. Things look hazy. How did I land up here? I make an attempt to call the Nurse. A Nurse comes to me and tells me I will be fine. I had a major Heart Attack and asks me if it was my first attack. I start crying. I nod my head and close my eyes. Can’t stop my tears. Where is my Family? Where are they? They must be extremely worried by now. What do I do?

I hear someone talking in hushed tones near me. I think they are two nurses talking. They were saying… what were they saying? Oh I am not able to hear clearly. I try to concentrate. “Everyone is talking about the Mumbai Spirit. Isn’t it great? To see all the schools and offices open the very next day of the blasts? Mumbai is such a great place to be in. Isn’t it”? Oh yeah? Why don’t you ask me? I am getting worked up even in this state. They continue talking… “Government has announced a relief package for all the people affected in the terrible bomb blasts. Even Indian Railways will give out compensation to deceased people”. I hear them say something to the tune of 6-7 lacs in total to be given to the deceased. I can’t concentrate anymore. Oh God… what day is it? How long have I been…? I call out. I scream. The two nurses rush to me. I ask them what date was it? They tell me it was 13th of July. Oh God I have been here for more than 48 hours and… and… I have to call my family. I ask the nurses for a phone. They tell me it is not possible to call from an ICU. They ask me for my residence phone number and assure me that they will inform my family immediately. No. No. “I want you to do it NOW”. I feel my pulse rising. “Please go. Please go and call them. Please…” And I think I fainted again.

“Listen, I went to the doctor today?” I look at my wife and ask her why? I am getting worried. “Is there some problem you have not been telling me lately?” “No No” – my wife looks down. “Then why did you go to the doctor? Tell me”. She looks at my worried face and starts laughing. I am perplexed. She just continued laughing. Oh she looks so beautiful when she laughs. I must remember to make her laugh more in life. I ask her again “Why did you go to the Doctor?” I hold her and ask again. I will never forget the expression on her face – she said – “You are going to become a father?” I just kept looking at her. Didn’t know what to say! This was the happiest thing to have happened to us in a long, long time. I looked in her eyes and asked her – “Oh boy – your friend Nisha is Pregnant?!!!” She did not know how to react! Then she realized that I was already running away from her! She ran after me. She was laughing and cursing! We kept running around the house from one room to other. When finally I stopped and allowed her to catch me. Oh – I am so happy. I hold her tight and ask her – “What can I gift you for giving me such a wonderful news?” I would have done anything she asked for then! She looked at me and said – “You know what – I just want to breathe my last in your arms whenever that is”. Oh I loved her all the more then. But I promised myself to get her a good ornament soon. She would look beautiful with a new ornament. I am so lucky to have her as my wife. I am…

It is partially dark in the room this time when I opened my eyes. Looks like it is night outside. I still have the oxygen mask on my face and all kinds of wires attached to my body and monitors around by bed. I am sure my Family would be coming to pick me up soon. Oh… Please come fast. Please… I want to hug you all. I want to be with you. Ma, Papa, I want to cry on your shoulders.

I keep looking at the ceiling of the room. How will I earn for a living? How will I feed my family? How will I take care of my Parents medical and other needs? My Kid is small. How will he be able to continue his studies with me not able to pay for his studies? How will I be able to fulfill his needs? Who will employ a crippled man? I don’t have other skills than the one required for my job. What work can I do with only one hand anyways? And… And what about my wife? What kind of life will she have with a crippled husband by her side? No… No… Oh God no. Why me? Why me God? What have I done to you to deserve this? Why me? I have never got involved in any violent activity in my life. I have never raised my voice against anyone. What have I done to these terrorists to bring me to this state? Why God – Why? Who is going to take care of us now? Will the government feed us for the remaining life? Will they take care of all our needs? What about my Parents God? What have they done to deserve this at this old age? Haven’t they suffered enough in this life? What had terrorists got against them? Why make us suffer? Will the terrorist take care of us – now that we have got burnt in their fury? If they can’t take responsibility of people like us – why make us the target of their violent plans? What have we Mumbaites got to do with Kashmir? Why are Kashmiri militants planting Bombs in Mumbai? Why God? Why indeed? What is the government doing to stop all this? Why can’t the government stop such attacks? What are they doing? Don’t we citizens mean anything to them? Who will remember a crippled man bombed in a train a few months down the line? Will the government give me concessions all my life? Will it give me job? Shouldn’t the government be punished for their laxness? What is the point of doling out a few lacs of rupees to the deceased? What about people like us who are injured – who are crippled? How do they plan to treat us for the rest of our lives?

I am getting agitated. But I feel no strength within me. I can feel my pulse rising. My Blood Pressure must be rising. But the questions just kept on coming. My mind was racing. What did the nurses say about the Mumbai Spirit? Well what about it? So the whole world has always talked about Mumbai Spirit. But what is this Spirit? Ask people like me. There is no spirit. There is only one type of spirit after such dastardly acts – those of the ones who are dead. Stop talking about Spirit, for God sake. Ask us. Ask me today. I am crippled and there is no spirit left in me to survive. I feel helpless. I feel let down by everyone – including… including God and my fate. Why God – why did you let me down?

I don’t want my family to suffer. I don’t want them to carry a crippled man all their life. I don’t want my son to see me in this helpless state. He has always thought of me as his protector. I can’t have him see me with no legs and no hands. I want the terrorists to be punished. I want the government to be punished. I curse the terrorists to hell. I also curse this government for not being able to save me from these unjustified attacks. They have always talked about winning the war against terror. For me – they have lost the war already. Ask me. I feel I… I… have lost the battle of life. I have no desire to live anymore. I cannot live like a loser. Oh God – I can feel my tears building up again. No… No… I shall not allow myself to suffer anymore than I have to.

Give me strength God. Give me Strength – for what I want to do – I cannot do without your support. Hang on with me this last time God. Please. I have no other option. I have to do this – for my family – for my kid and… and for myself. I am losing out on my consciousness. Oh God – don’t let me falter at this stage. Please… Please give me strength one more time…

I see faces of my son, my wife, Ma & Papa. Everyone is smiling. They are my strength. They are…Tears are rolling down my face. I manage to smile.

I can feel the darkness coming again. I must do it before I lose conciousness. I must… I look around and check for the Nurse. There is no one around. I take a deep breath. I lift my left hand and remove my Oxygen mask. I wait… I… I… I… am struggling for breath. Oh God – just hang on with me… just for a few more moments – help me through these last moments. I feel suffocated. Everything seems so hazy. There is an urge to shout for help. I cover my mouth tightly with my left hand. I can see a huge black object coming towards me from space. I see my wife crying with both her arms stretched out. I see my Father holding me. I see the image of my Mother in front of my face telling me to sleep in her lap. Oh thank you Ma… I… I… need to sleep one… one… last time in your lap. I See… I see… my Son – standing at the far end of the room – looking at me with red eyes. I… I… see tears in his eyes. Oh God – no… no… I am struggling. I want to move away from the black object. It is coming down… It is… It is…

I can see Nurses trying to pump my heart but there is no response from the body. They are trying everything to revive my heartbeats – but why am I not responding. Why? Why? Who is there at the door of the ICU? Oh. I see my Parents, my wife & my Son staring through the glass on the door.  They are all crying. Praying for me to get up. Oh dear God – make me live. Make me live. I… I…

Postscript

I had to do this as my last act of service to my family. I know my Family would get compensation from Government and Indian Railways if I die. They are anyways compensating only to the families of dead people. I have some Life Insurances done. That together with the compensation would help my family live for a few more years and I hope… I only hope by then they would find a way to earn some money through other means. Government has not bothered to care for me when I was alive and healthy. At least they will do something for my Family and perhaps offer some job to my wife when I am no more. I know I would have been a burden on them and on the society in my crippled state.

I did this, also to prove to the others unaffected by the bombings, that there are other spirits that need more attention in this whole tragedy. I did not deserve to be in the state that I am in – as much as anyone of you. But the fact is – you have survived this time. For you who have got lucky this time, it is a matter of keeping that ridiculous Mumbai Spirit running. I did not want to be a part of that phony paranormal spirit and hence I chose the real one.

Till you catch the train I took… its goodbye from me.

Mantosh Singh..
25th July 2006’