INTERVIEW

An interview with a Minister (of the Ruling Party) in Central Government

This is being telecast live on a private news channel. This is year 2002.

Interviewer: Namashkar Mantri ji. Welcome to our show of FINDING FACTS

Mantri ji: Namashkar hai ji. How are you?

Interviewer: I am fine Mantri ji. So tell me how do you judge the current situation in the country?

Mantri ji: Oh Kamaal ki baat pooch li aapney (O! you have asked a funny question). O ji – Country is fine. It is prospering, it is growing, it is… mmmmm… it is… it is…Shining! Yes – India is Shining! Can’t you see?

Interviewer: Shining? But where?

Mantri ji: Oh that is why I say you should look properly. You reporters always look at all the wrong places. India is shining everywhere

Interviewer: But if it is everywhere then why are we not able to see it?

Mantri ji: O yaar – yahi to. When I am saying it is shining means it is.

Interviewer: Ok Mantriji if you are so adamant let us get on to the fact-finding mission with you one by one.

Mantri ji: Ok (getting up from his seat) Chalo (Lets go).

Interviewer: No No – I mean I will take you through some major states of the country and you tell me what is shining there.

Mantri ji: Arre Kamaal kar diya tumney (Very funny) – Ok – I am a Mantri – I am supposed to know everything. You ask.

Interviewer: Mantri Ji, you say India is Shining – how is it shining if there are people dying in Kashmir everyday and they don’t have any security in that state?

Mantri ji: Lo kar lo baat – Bhai, Kashmir is a separate issue. It is our part of land and we will not allow Pakistan to keep the Land with them. We will take back whatever they have and will route out terrorism from its root. Terrorism is the bane of our society. After September the 11^th the Al-Quaeda is on the run. Bin Laden is hiding – but he will be caught because American, England, and western countries….

Interviewer: Mantri ji Mantri ji – just a minute. I had asked about Kashmir and your claim about India is Shining…

Mantri ji: Wohi to bata raha hoon (that is what I am trying to tell)… Since the whole world is after the terrorists and fighting terrorism, the terrorists will be routed out some day and Kashmir problem will be automatically resolved.

Interviewer: But Mantri ji – what is the relation…

Mantri ji: Oh Yaar you all will never understand. See these other countries will run after terrorists and destroy them. Our Problem of Kashmir will automatically get resolved. Imagine solving such a big problem without even doing the dirty work of clearing the world off the terrorists. This is called Intellectual shining of India. (Pointing his finger towards his forehead Mantriji asked…) Samjhe?

Interviewer: (By this time a totally confused Interviewer gets to another State) Ok Mantri ji I am sure our viewers will understand your logic. So you say India is Shining.

Mantri ji: Bilkul (Ofcourse) – 200%

Interviewer: But tell me where is it shining in the state of Uttar Pradesh?

Mantri ji: That is an internal shining. Not everyone understands it.

Interviewer: (Baffled) How? There is no Road, no electricity, increasing number of poor people, increasing criminalization, no power and electricity, no water, people die in all seasons – be it summer, winter or in monsoons, not one Chief Minister stays for more than 1-2 years. How can you say it is shining that too “Internally”?

Mantri ji: Ha Ha Ha – that is why I say you don’t look at correct places. Do you know that the largest number of Agricultural land is available in this state of Uttar Pradesh? Do you know that our Agricultural exports have gone up in the last few years? What are you talking I say? This is one state that has been the symbol of all the good things that we have achieved! We have not been in power for long and hence the pace is slow – but the core of the state is shining. Mantriji is getting worked up…

Interviewer: Baffled…Mantri ji but what is the use if the general Public is not able to enjoy the fruits of the shine that you talk? If they remain poor how will the country shine?

Mantri ji: Getting angry…This is propaganda of the opposition. No body is poor in UP.

Interviewer: But…?

Mantri ji: You seem to be an Opposition Reporter. Uttar Pradesh has given this country so many great leaders. How can you say it has not progressed? It is all wrong.

Interviewer: Ok Ok as is very clear this part of India is not shining.

Mantri ji: You say that. Not we.

Interviewer: Ok lets go to another big state of Gujarat. Do you…

Mantri ji: Oh Gujarat! Well that is the biggest example of India Shining.

Interviewer: What?

Mantri ji: Yes. Look at the Chief Minister of that state. He is the biggest example of a great leader. He has single handedly brought Gujarat into the world map.

Interviewer: Yes – but for all the wrong reasons and moreover…

Mantri ji: What moreover? Who knew Gujarat earlier? Now even if our Narendra bhai goes to UK – there the local newspapers print the schedule of his trip. Cover his trip and so on. Isn’t it an example of the state shining?

Interviewer: Yes – but they cover the event because of the protests by the Resident Indians there who want to protest against the gruesome brutality of the riots that took place in the state of Gujarat.

Mantri ji: Sab bakwaas hai (Its all fabricated). Godhra was not our creation. We only reacted to a gruesome act and as Einstein said every action has…

Interviewer: Mantriji, we are digressing …

Mantri ji: Digrrrresssing? Yeh kya hota hai? (What does this word mean?)

Interviewer: Mantriji, “Digressing” means going off the point.

Mantri ji:  Who said I am going off the point. I was referring to the Godhra kand. So as I was saying Einstein said…

Interviewer: But Mantriji we were talking about how has Gujarat contributed to the Shining of India.

Mantri ji: It is one the biggest reason why India is Shining. Look, let me explain it in a different way since you are not interested in Einstein theory, which says that Every Action has equal and opposite reaction. (Mantriji finally looks happy to complete his knowledgeable quote)…

Interviewer: But I think that is Newton’s 3^rd Law?

Mantri ji: Mantriji looking annoyed. Looks at his secretary…Newton? Yeh kaun hai? (Who is he?)

Interviewer: Newton Mantriji, the famous scientist.

Mantri ji: Oh haan haan. Maloom hai Maloom hai (I Know I Know). Modiji took his name only. Arre - how does it matter – whoever said it. But the fact remains that Godhra was master minded…

Interviewer: Finally looking frustrated and confused the reporter proceeds…Ok Mantriji, I don’t think there is any way you can prove that Gujarat has helped India Shine. So we will move on to the next…

Mantri ji:  Arre ruko ruko aise kaise…(Wait Wait – how can you say that?) Do you know that all the world leaders called up our Prime Minister to talk about Gujarat. Huh! Can it happen without Gujarat getting a name in the world? Is it not a proof that India became popular due to Gujarat? Is it not proof enough of its importance in the Shine that we have?

Interviewer: But World Leaders called PM to express their anguish…

Mantri ji: This is all opposition crap. I know that they called and they called because Gujarat became famous and that is proof of Shining India. Huh! Baat karta hai. (Silly man)

Interviewer: Seeing no way out of this impasse – reporter moves on… Ok Mantriji, Country will decide in the elections whether Gujarat helped India Shine or not…

Mantri ji: Country has already decided. Under the able leadership of our beloved Leader Atal ji we are gong to form the government. In fact – and this is off the record – I have already been promised a Mantralaya!

Interviewer: Shhhhh… Matriji – we are on Camera…

Mantri ji: O Teri…

Interviewer: Never Mind, It is pleasing to see the confidence Mantriji – but as we all know elections are a different ball game altogether. So let us move on to other states. How do you say states like Madhya Pradesh, Tamil Nadu have contributed to the India Shining?

Mantri ji: Good Question… Next please…

Interviewer: What?

Mantri ji:  Hey hey hey! Just joking. Well MP as a state was going down for the last 10 years. We have now come back to power in that state and brought the shine back to that state.

Interviewer: But you won only 3-4 months back. Has the Power and electricity problem been solved in MP?

Mantri ji: Arre… it is not easy. It will take time. But the shine is back on the people’s face.

Interviewer: Can you prove that?

Mantri ji: What is there to prove Baba? It is known – Diggy Raja is out and hence the shine is back.

Interviewer: But Digvijay Singh says that your Centre government did not provide funds to rectify roads or improve power etc.

Mantri ji: Sab bakwaas karta hai Diggy. (This is loose talk by Diggy) We have provided all the support we could. But he was only interested in opening schools in Villages. He never cared about the urban society. So he lost.

Interviewer: But Rural part of the country also requires schools. How can you say it is his fault that he was trying to spread education around his state?

Mantri ji: Yeh Rajiniti hai (This is Politics) – U will not understand I say. For India to Shine – your urban cities should shine. Haar gaya na election mein Diggy? (He managed to lose the election – isn’t it) Ha Ha Ha. Don’t worry – state of MP will shine more in coming days with Uma Didi at the helm of the affairs – God will make the state shine.

Interviewer: Getting totally out of control – Oh yes - God! Hmmm…Ok and what about Tamil Nadu?

Mantri ji: Why don’t you ask about Andhra Pradesh?

Interviewer: Oh ok so tell us about how AP has helped shine India?

Mantri ji: Simple – by getting Microsoft in Hyderabad-Secunderabad region. By installing computers in District level offices. 

Interviewer: How does this help the poor farmers committing suicide?

Mantri ji: Oh let us not talk about those people. People die everywhere and so in AP.

Interviewer: Aghast… what? So you don’t care about the farmers who have committed suicide in AP or Karnataka? Now you will say you don’t care about the Peoples’ War Group committing atrocities in AP too?

Mantri ji: In a Fix – No No – yaar you reporters na – you quote people wrongly. What I meant was that we do care but you cannot keep vigilance at every farmer’s house. Some people do commit mistake. And PWG is a militant organization, which is creating havoc with the lives of people. Chandra Babu ji is dealing with them with a firm hand.

Interviewer: Yes but that problem is still not solved and it is affecting the whole region of AP. So how is India Shining there?

Mantri ji: Getting Frustrated… Are you an opposition reporter?

Interviewer: No I ask questions that people want answers for.

Mantri ji: No No I am sure you are an opposition reporter. India is shining since we say so.

Interviewer: But nobody seems to understand where is it shining. And that is why we are trying to do this fact-finding interview.

Mantri ji: You all will never understand. Finally seeing no other way out…Pramod Mahajanji says that this is correct and hence it has to be correct.

Interviewer: But Promod Mahajan himself lost the last elections. How can we trust him with this analysis?

Mantri ji: I am not going to answer any more questions. I know that India is Shining. You reporters don’t know a thing about how to measure the shine. Can’t you see it on TV? All the advertisements show that India is shining.

Interviewer: But Mantriji, those are sponsored advertisements for which you are using public money to spend

Mantri ji: Seeing no other way to end this unfortunate interview – Mantriji tries the last option left. You will see the results of elections. The whole country believes and knows that we are shining. Only you opposition reporters don’t understand.

Interviewer: Mantriji, Kashmir is not shining, UP is not shining, Contrary to what you say – Gujarat is not shining, MP is not shining, AP is not shining, Tamil Nadu is facing water problems all across the state, Bihar is still as backward as ever, Major part of North-east is engulfed in militancy of one kind or the other. We as people of India want to know once and for all – where exactly is India Shining? Can you be more precise this last time?

Mantri ji: Arre bhai India is shining in our heart.

Interviewer: Heart? (Thinking it is getting weird now…) But I thought we were talking about the country here.

Mantri ji: Once our heart shines our country will also shine.

Interviewer: Seeing this interview going nowhere he finally starts to end this interview… Ok Mantriji I am sure people listening to this will somehow understand how India is Shining. I would like to thank you for the time spent with us for the interview…

Mantri ji: Hello Mr. How can you end this interview without asking about that… that… Ahem… I mean… Looking at his secretary standing behind the camera in search of the word. Finally the secretary prompts… Yes – how can you end this interview without asking about the FEEL GOOD FACTOR? The “Bharat Gaurav Yatra” taken out by Advaniji?

Interviewer: Mantriji, I am sure people will understand “Feel Good” and “Gaurav Yatra” the same way as they will understand the India Shining factor. Thank you.

Mantri ji: Oh! So finally you understood the India Shining Factor. See I was telling you – you will understand. I am sure people are intelligent enough to understand how India is shining. From the time we came back to power in 1999 we ensured that India shines. We have been working hard under the able leadership of beloved Atalji. He has taken India to greater heights. The Congress and the United Front had destroyed India. They created Bofors scam, They created Hawala scam, They created Telecom Scam. They destroyed the country. They also…

Interviewer: Mantriji Mantriji… The interview is over and the Camera is off. There is no one watching.

Mantri ji: Kya? Tumne bataya nahi? (You did not tell?) I will never come to give interview to your channel again. This is an insult….

The Mantriji kept rambling and went out of the studio.

Its Montoo..