Me, My Wife and the lost Moments

The house does not rest upon a ground – but on woman of the house. (Mexican proverb)

As true as the above statement is, we tend to ignore its significance nevertheless. Adult life is such that we spend innumerable number of hours working for our organizations. We then go home, have our meals and hit the sack – snoring to glory. The monotonous cycle repeats the next day and then the next, and then the next… We work like bull, eat like there never will be tomorrow, watch News on television as if our lives were dependent on it, and then sleep as if we were deprived of it till that moment! We are so busy with ourselves and our routines that other members of the society, and indeed the family, generally don’t get as much attention from us as perhaps is required. And that my friends’ forms the basis of my contention in this article and I wish to draw your attention to this serious aspect of our passing life.

Family and home are integral part of our lives. We feel safe when we are at home and feel comfortable when we are with our family. However, we do take each of these for granted at our own ultimate peril, I must say. It is one fine day, when things go haywire between the family members and yourselves that you wake up to the reality. You suddenly realize, to your surprise, that there are bunch of issues that have cropped up from nowhere. And the rifts are so deep that it just does not make sense to us. We feel disappointed and… and wonder why? I mean, after all, we have been working hard and providing all that we can for our family. Haven’t we? We have been honest and truthful to them and have never taken any step that, we feel, should disappoint the family. Then why… why so many issues? What more does our family want, we wonder? We grope around for answers, but find none.

Well that’s the whole point of this article. It is just an attempt from my end to perhaps make you realize that we indeed need to do more today – to avoid looking for answers later. We really need to spare more time for our family, for our wife and children today – to spare us any heart breaks tomorrow. We perhaps need to go out of our way to make our family feel a part of our “own-selves” and… belonged.

Kindly note: For the purpose of this article – I shall not delve into the time we spend with our Parents. That part of the story is all too depressing (especially for “migrant” children like us – who are unfortunate to be living away from our Parents) and hence will keep that part of stats for some other time and some other article. I have always felt, for all that they do for us, we can never come close to doing justice with them (in the time we spend and devote to them). But yes, I shall definitely talk and concentrate on the time we devote to our other part of family and specifically the time spent with the “better half”.

Life, we know, changes after marriage. Overnight a person suddenly becomes a part of you, and your life. Your perceptions about life take a dramatic “U-turn”. You suddenly start “planning” your future in all earnest. The day of careless living becomes passé. Your dreams suddenly are filled with thoughts of your future with your wife. The “I” in our life very smoothly shifts into the “We” gear, if you know what I mean. We try and work even harder to fulfill all the lofty dreams that we see together with our partners in life. Life suddenly becomes more purposeful and interesting.

Somewhere down the line though, in our zest to extract more out of life, we end up spending lesser and lesser time with the one who perhaps has been the inspiration to our dreams. Such prolonged “neglect” of the family (read “spouse”) ultimately leads to cracks in the very fabric of the bond that we “thought” got made the day we put the sacred Mangalsutra around our spouses’. It is my belief that we tend to settle down in the relationship and start taking our spouses flippantly and get obsessed with thoughts of professional progression, promotion, ways of minting money, buying a car, a house etc. The priorities change and life for us turns more materialistic. In the pursuit of such materialistic individual happiness – the relevance of the relationship formed out of marriage is all but lost. Sadly so.

I must confess, it is in the periods of me being alone during my official tours and/or when my wife was away for her holidays (visiting her Parents place), that I first started thinking about the “lost moments”. In these periods, of me being alone at home, I have cursed myself for not caring enough for the person who today matters the most to me. The lack of quality time I spend with my wife (when she is with me) keeps nagging me even today. And every time I look back at the lost opportunities/moments – I get into another bout of depression and frustration.

It was some couple of years back (in one of the many official tours I was making in those times) – I ended up collating some data that I am presenting to you today. I had conveniently forgotten about the same till I felt the need to revisit it the last time my wife went away on her holidays. To my utter disappointment – I did find the stats to be relevant even now – in fact more so now. I am sure you too will be able to connect to the stats presented here.

Kindly note, however hard I tried to place the figures in various slots (to brighten up the scenario!) – I ended up with more or less the same end result. I have tried to take the most sanguine scenario and I hope you will find them realistic in your cases too. The first table shows the number of hours we spend doing an activity all by our own selves. Here they are for you:

Activity	Daily (on 5 working days)	Saturday	Sunday
Work/Office	9	0	0
Commuting	1.5	0	0
Sleep	8	9	9
Watching TV	1.5	3	3
Having Meals	0.5	1	1
On Phone	0.5	1	1
Daily Chores	0.5	1	1
Shopping	0	1	0
Preparation of Meal (by Spouse)	1	1	1
Total	112.5 (22.5*5)	17	16

Total avg. hours spent on ourselves (in a week)	145.5	Hours
Total Available Hours (in a week)	168	Hours
Total Hours spent with Spouse (in a week)	22.5	Hours

Total days in an year	365	Days
Total days spent with our spouse in a year (22.5*52/24)	48.75	Days
Reducing Holidays/Official Tours spent alone (approx 15-20 Days/ year)	28.75	Days
Total days spent together in 35 years	1006.25	Days
% Time devoted to spouse	7.8	%

“No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?” (Elbert Hubbard, American Writer)

As you can see – even conservatively speaking (i.e. considering we work for “normal stipulated hours” at office) we spend not more than 13% of the time with our partner (week on week basis). All it means is that, out of 7 days in a week – we end up talking/interacting/spending “quality time” with our wives’ only for around half a day (or a bit more)! Now if that is not less – I don’t know how much is? Won’t you agree? And, increase the time of commuting (from home to office and back) and or increase the time spent in sleeping or even the time spent in watching TV silently (which we all do most of the times) – that percentage dips… even further. Again, if I add those weekly parties, which we indulge into (all alone with our friends) – it will add to the time we spent on “ourselves”, resulting in further decrease in the time spent with our family. And hey, take the yearly stats, and the figures become depressing in the current context of discussion (i.e. when individual holidays/tours etc are added).

Taking an average period of married life to be 35 years, the statistics becomes pretty dreadful. Refer to the above stats and you will see that we will not be spending even 3 full exclusive years, out of an approximate married life of 35 years, with our spouse! Now that is not even 10% of the total time available to us in those 35 years. Gosh! In fact, with modest figures that I have taken, we will be lucky to spend more than 7.8% of the time together and that, for me, is preposterous – especially with someone whom we love.

Mind you, I am only taking a scenario where the spouse is a house-wife. If both of them work – the percentages will take a huge hit and decrease even further. Now most of you may say that while we are at home we are with our wife, so why this farcical assertion? Well – for such people I say, look for yourself and decide for yourself on the time you spend talking to your spouse or spending time listening to her. You will know what I mean.

For someone we call our better halves; for someone we consider a part of our life and being; for someone whom we expect to be truthful to us for their entire life, not sparing an avg. of 2 full hours per day is ridiculous, to say the least.

I have to wonder then – are we doing justice to this sacred relationship? For someone (for whom) we profess undying love and (from whom) we expect more than that in return – are we really doing enough? No Sir, neither do I – and dare I say, nor does anyone married and reading this article. We all are failing our family and especially our wife. So, am I going overboard with these stats? Well, may be I am. But, am I giving too much credence to something that should not be taken too seriously? Well – I don’t think so. The relationship built under the so called institution of marriage demands all seriousness and care. You see, funny one-liners about spouses will keep getting made. Jokes about how husbands’ never end up talking to their wives because they do not like interrupting their better half – are good ways to poke fun at the expense of someone dear to you. I say, crack such jokes (and pamper yourself) – but don’t allow them to become a part of your philosophy. The bottom line shall always show the only relevant truth – We need to do more. Yes Sir, we need to do more to reassert our love for our life partners. And if being vocal at times is necessary – there is no shame in doing that.

I have always felt I have failed my wife more number of times than I can count. And no, it is not because I have been up to something “naughty”. I feel I have failed her because I perhaps have not cared to spare time for her, as much as I could have till now. I have failed her because I perhaps have fought with her more number of times than I can count. I have failed her because I have never truly expressed my love for her, as many times as I should have till now. I have never perhaps been able to tell her how lucky I am to have her in my life.

I have failed her on most counts as mentioned above. And when she is not around, I miss her and I yearn to tell her how much I love her. But every time she comes back from her holidays (or I come back from my tours) – I find it awkward saying exactly the same things that I keep reminding myself to say (when I am away from her). I convince myself to wait for an opportune time, to look in her eyes and tell her that I love her. Alas, that opportune moment has not come till now. And… the wait continues…

However, I intend to devote more “exclusive” time to my family (specially my wife) and spend some valuable time with them (including my kid) from now on. Because if I don’t, I know I will be reading this article 40 years down the line and repenting every moment that I have lost in working hard, chasing my own dreams at someone else’s expense. I do realize that corrective measures are in order and that they need to be taken now. And I do hope, after reading this, you will chart your own remedial path. Remember, no man on his deathbed could ever look up into the eyes of his family and said, “I wish I’d spent more time at office”. And needless to say – you only get one chance to get on that deathbed. I am not sure it would be a pleasant feeling then.

Someone once said – Love of your family is life’s greatest blessing, and once you marry – your Wife is a major part of it.

Increase that percentage of time you spend exclusively with your wife, because remember, your life depends on her.

Think about it.

Mantosh Singh..

8^th May 2007’ - 7^th June 2007’

Indian Cricket – My View

Indian Cricket team has generally evoked some strong emotions from all insane Indians like us. We just love to hate this game and the more we hate – the more we talk about it and the more we talk about it – the more we hate it. There is a special bonding between this set/bunch of 15 different players at different times and this bond keeps getting stronger. Did you notice the word “Hate” in the above sentences? Well – that is only because we just lost a major tournament. This word will be replaced with “Love” in all the above sentences the moment our team wins a major tournament again. Till then – “Hate” expression is “in”.

Post mortem has begun and has indeed been going on for some time now on the “whys and hows” of our loss in the 2007 World Cup. I had been disturbed by some blatantly atrocious views of people. Well, I had to go back to some statistics/figures to really look for answers. Unfortunately, not many News channels, experts and the big talking analysts have cared to go into the statistics of Indian performances in the last year and hence all their arguments are bordering on vagueness and their own personal choices. I have collated some data for you to ponder. Once you have seen the statistics ask yourself – did we really look like a team that could win a major tournament? I hope the statistics would show you why I even bothered to collect them. And mind you – I have taken all the One-day series that India has played under our “Great” coach Greg Chappell. Read on.

First Series under Greg Chappell:

-          In Aug 2005: India Tour to Zimbabwe:                  ODI Played – 7; Won – 5

Rahul Dravid named the new captain, replacing Saurav Ganguly:

-          In Oct-Nov 2005: Sri Lanka tour to India: ODI Played – 7; Won – 6

-          In Nov-Dec 2005: South Africa tour to India:         ODI Played – 5; Won – 2

-          In Feb 2006: India tour to Pakistan:                      ODI Played – 5; Won – 4

-          In Mar-Apr 2006: England tour to India:                 ODI Played – 7; Won – 5

All seemingly going well for India while playing IN India (exception being the Pakistan series). Now check the following trend from May 2006 onwards:

-          In May 2006: Indian tour to West Indies:               ODI Played – 5; Lost - 4

-          In Aug 2006: Indian tour to Sri Lanka:                   ODI Played – 3; Abandoned – 3
In Sep 2006: Indian tour to Malaysia (DLF Trophy with West Indies and Australia as other teams):                                                ODI Played – 4; Lost – 3

-          In Oct 2006: Champions Trophy in India:             ODI Played – 4; Lost – 3

-          In Nov-Dec 2006: Indian tour to South Africa:       ODI Played – 4; Lost – 4

Return of Saurav Ganguly

-          In Jan 2007: West Indies tour to India:                  ODI Played – 4; Won – 3

-          In Feb 2007: Sri Lankan tour to India:                   ODI Played – 3; Won – 2

World Cup 2007

-          In Mar 2007: World Cup:                          ODI Played – 3; Lost – 2

Let me ask you again then – did we really look like a team (with the past performances listed above) that could win? Do you see a trend in the above statistics? Warning bells should have started ringing from May 2006 itself. Don’t you agree? Look at the figures given above all over again. C’mon there is no rocket science here. The figures “are”, and dare I say, “were” glaring at us for last 10-11 months. Our wonderful people in Selection Committee and the great BCCI kept following the famous Gandhian principles (The one’s that tell us not to “look”, not to “say” and not to “hear”) and hence never rose (in unison) against this falling trend. And when they did – it was too late. The damage had been summarily done.

Before I move on, let us also recollect the reasons/logic that Greg Chappell, his stooge Rahul Dravid (who also is our Team’s Captain still – unfortunately) and the Lilliputian “Chairman of Selectors” of those times (our very own “Vibhishan”, Kiran More) gave to the country for persisting with the members of the losing team, series after series; losses after losses. They said – “…We need to build the nucleus of a young team and we need to persist with them to give them confidence…”. We were also told about the records of some of these youngsters, and how the team consists of Match Winners and how well they had performed “earlier”. We were told that the young members had “class” and they will succeed “inevitably”. Class? Hmmm… This bunch of classy players (that these people accumulated) sadly never delivered the “inevitable”. Huh. We were banking on players who were not able to score a single 50 in more than 2 years? Or the bowlers who had not taken a five wicket haul in more than a year or so? On top of everything – they kept playing some atrociously average players in the name of them being younger and better fielders than the one’s being ignored for selection. They kept playing this bunch of non-performing idiots for five continuous series (from May 2006 onwards) without even contemplating the repercussions of their actions. They lived in hope of performance, which (looking at the “class” of the players we were “persisting” with) was evidently not going to come through.

I have my own thoughts on the subject and I hope you will spare sometime to read them.

So, we did go wrong, but where?

Firstly, I think we lost time by NOT dropping the non-performers straight away. However young a team member is – if he is not able to perform with the bat and/or bowl – he will not win you matches “regularly” with his fielding ability alone – however great he is on the field. And no, we still do not have anyone like Jonty Rhodes in our ranks – so stop dreaming. Moreover, even if you had a brilliant fielder – you also needed him to contribute either with bat or bowl. Even Rhodes used to score an odd 50 and a hundred while batting and was lightening-quick in scoring those runs. I mean what is the point of having a good fielding side when they can’t bat or bowl when required of them? I am sorry to say – but by saving 10 runs (at an average) per match and by scoring only 10-15 runs (at an average) makes your score only 25-30. I don’t think these are enough runs against a player’s name to justify his selection in any international team. And the likes of Suresh Raina, Venugopal Rao, Md Kaif etc looked out of the major league frankly. They SHOULD have been dropped in favor of either Saurav Ganguly right in middle of 2006 and/or replaced with some other so-called “younger” players. Similarly, Zaheer Khan should have been brought long back into the team. Irfaan and Ajit Agarkar type of bowlers should have been dropped. But we persisted with them, and persisted too long, at the cost of the team’s interest.

Secondly, I strongly felt we should have thought of removing Greg Chappell as a coach or at the least should have asked him to fall in line, to bring back some sensible order to the team’s progress. I have had some strong feelings about this man from day one of his assignment and have always felt that his acceptance of assignment as Indian Team’s coach had more to do than met our eyes. I have always had this uncomfortable feeling about him as if he was out here on a mission to destroy the winning combination that we had till the last world cup (2003). I will try and justify to you the basis for such thoughts. History shows that by 2003 – we were the ONLY side that looked like the one that could beat Australia. We were the number 2 ODI Team in the world, and were closing in on Australia. But – as history will also record – it took just one wrong move from the BCCI to destroy the fabric of that team and made it into one of the worst today. As is famously said - He came, he destroyed and he left. Yes Sir, he destroyed the Number 2 side of the world and converted them into a bunch of losers by the time he left. As any tactician would tell you, the best way to demoralize/destroy a group is to kill or deface the leader/most popular man in that group. Well, Mr. Greg started his stint with some unsavory comments about Sachin Tendulkar. Unfortunately, he picked the wrong guy to target and had to retract as soon as he landed in India for his assignment. He then picked the Captain of the team and called him all the “names” that any honorable man would not tolerate. He publicly humiliated him by “leaking” the famous “e-mail” and gave a couple of interviews, which he later conveniently disowned as not being his. All this was done to firmly set an impression in front of the world of a mad man in charge of the Indian team. Things would still not have gone bad had our board/selectors seen the cleverly orchestrated moves of this brilliant tactician and had thwarted his attempts by either continuing with Saurav Ganguly as captain or removing Greg as coach. None of that happened though and that for me was one of the major turning points in the history of Indian cricket. Saurav was humiliated and removed. Greg Chappell was praised for his outlook and “Vision” for Indian cricket. He then went on to continue to play and support the bunch of some non-performing players till the very last. Backing them in the name of his now famous “Process”. It will hence not be an exaggeration to say that the much talked about “Process” of his, was primarily meant to break this Indian team into a lame unit, filled with ever conniving team members with average abilities and in the “process” making an energetic fighting unit into a bunch of losers. Today he has left the job he had undertaken 18 months back, satisfied in the thought that he has done what he had come for. Just look back at his backing for Irfaan Pathan, Suresh Raina, Md. Kaif (till the very end), Virendra Sehwag, VRV Singh and even Harbhajan Singh. Perhaps then you would start seeing this the way I look at it. And friends, do not forget that his backing for such players was not limited to a game or two. It went on for match after match, series after series, till such time that a new Chairman of Selectors had to shut him up and force the return of Zaheer Khan, Anil Kumble and Saurav Ganguly. But again, this happened too late and too close to the start of the World Cup 2007 and hence was rendered almost ineffective. We lost badly in the World cup. Thus, Greg’s mission, of bringing down the side that had challenged the Australians (our Coach’s motherland) in the last world cup was successfully achieved. With his job done – he promptly resigned and is happily on his way back home – satisfied and content. We, however, are left back collecting the ruins lying around. We still have not gather enough courage to blame him for the loss and the BCCI has (strangely) gone ahead and showered praise on this man for his vision, his help, his gestures, his methods, his co-operation etc etc. Has anyone asked them a simple question – “Why”? Are they scared that he will write a book and expose the lethargic functioning of BCCI and hence don’t want to instigate him? I mean on one hand we put all the curbs we can on the players who play the game and shower praises on the Coach of the side who incidentally is, for me, THE primary reason for the shocking state of Indian cricket today. And yes, for people who feel a coach is helpless if the team does not perform on the field, I say – shut up. I mean, how can we take this crap? If the coach cannot go and play in the middle, he cannot inspire the players to play well, he cannot help the players struggling for form, he cannot help the team bond together and win – what is he good for anyways, only to make impressive presentations? Why have a coach at all then? I am sorry, but such argument feigns cowardly traits. How long can we take such sick arguments anyways? Strange. Absolutely bewildering to say the least!

Thirdly, as is very evident – the BCCI and the selection committee should accept the blame and apologize to the people of this country. They spend time in politicking rather than doing something worthwhile for the benefit of the game. The spineless people who are part of the BCCI and the selection committee should either resign or alternatively, they should get their act together to come up with “meaningful” steps to kick-start a new beginning for Indian Cricket. We Indians however have lost all sense of that “famed” moral value that we once possessed (and for you who don’t agree to this judgment can look in the mirror and tell themselves that they do). Hence, to expect these scoundrels to vacate the space for more honorable people would be a futile exercise. So the least we can expect them to do is that they do something sensible for the good of the game. To take one example of how spineless they can get – consider what happened in 2005. The bunch of selectors in 2005 and 2006 were really a shameless bunch. I mean, they did not flinch even once before disowning their own player in favor of a damn Australian, who we could see was conspiring against our own Captain. As I have already noted above and as I am sure history will record - that one act (of removing Saurav Ganguly, both as Captain and as a player, at the insistence of Greg) created the much talked about rift in the team. A team that was known to have gelled together pretty well till then suddenly became a disjointed unit. The originators of the famous “huddle” were lying in ruins. And all this was because our selectors believed too strongly in the “Atithi Devo Bhava” slogan. A typical case of we Indians putting our tails between our legs and running after everything that a foreigner threw at us – and yes – with our tongues hanging out. It is often said – an ally of a conspirator is an equal party to a shameful act and hence these selectors (Rahul Dravid included) cannot escape that blame. We perhaps are the ONLY country in the world that followed advices of a Foreigner coach to crush our own heroes. And the likes of Ganguly, Tendulkar are heroes of this generation, have no doubt about that. Its no wonder then that people are scared to be named as heroes in this country now. No body would want to live in the fear of being conspired against and stabbed. Would they? I felt awful seeing our new Captain and that Lilliputian, Kiran More, demeaning our own cricketing heroes at the insistence of a foreigner. I could not help but feel disgusted. The feeling of repugnance I am sure was same for all the freedom loving Indians during the British rule, when they would see the Britishers using our own men to beat us up – making it more humiliating. Such Indians are a disgrace to the nation and anyone who supports them are adding to the disgraceful powers.

Fourthly, the great media cannot escape the “honor” of being major party to the sad state of cricket in India. These people are in the habit of grabbing any quote from a foreigner and justify the claims made by him/her. “Atithi Devo Bhava” again? Hmmm… Lets take a few examples of how they have contributed to the conspiracy. When Greg said “…Tendulkar is over and finished as a great player” – these media men ran around the world to look for the opinion of the former players. Aired those that corroborated Greg’s comments. They went ahead and did their own analysis. They juggled around with a lot of figures to finally conclude that Sachin was “indeed” not good enough anymore and should finally rest his bat. And mind you, this was way back in 2005 when Greg took over. Take another instance. Greg said – “We need to build the nucleus of the team with young players. Such young players would be more athletic and hence be better fielders”. Well, this was too long a statement to give to Indian Media anyways. The circus started immediately! These “we know all” type of Media men started jumping around. They collected some irrelevant data and deciphered them in their own way to show to the world how ineffective our senior players were and how poor our fielding was (again mind you, these same players had reached the Finals of the World cup just a year or so back). After all the heavily loaded analysis they concluded that Aah! These senior pros were indeed tortoises and hence should be removed. And here, seniors meant only Ganguly and Kumble. All the others like Rahul, Sachin, Sehwag were oh such swift fielders!! I mean, these media people can go to any length to make or break an image of a person. And to support them in their mission, there are any numbers of past players who are ready to say what the channels want them to. That gives credibility to media’s lopsided, unjustified reports/analysis. In all this, we should not overlook how effectively Mr. Greg used the powers of our media. All his e-mails, SMS, “personal views” to personal friends are part of now folklore stories. With the players not able to clarify their stand (due to gags against speaking to media) – Greg was free to play his games in getting his way. I must say here, the electronic media in India is lecherous. They need to be reminded of that famous old saying – With great powers come greater responsibilities. There is nothing much that can be said otherwise.

And finally, we as the patrons of the game are as much responsible for the state of Indian cricket today. Why – if I may ask, should we be so critical of the team that has but lost couple of games in a given tournament? Is it the fault of players that we did not see “it” (the loss) coming? We should have been more conscious of the statistics – shouldn’t we? Why blame the cricketers alone? That they were not playing well for a long-long time was there for everyone to see. If you still penned your hopes on them – it was your fault really. Why blame them so much? Again, why, if I may ask, are we jealous of the money they earn? Isn’t it ridiculous? How does it matter to anyone of us even if they earn billions? Have they ever questioned your earnings? You never give a damn about the companies that you jump around for 30-40% hikes? Why? If someone were to question you on the reasons that you left an “X” company to join a “Y” company – you would be shameless enough to tell everyone that “Y” offered you more money and hence you jumped the job. So? It is ok for you to get the right of earning as much money as you want – but not for these players? How lecherous can we get really? This is too bloody much. Also, are we all foolish enough to buy the argument that the players don’t perform well because they spend their time doing advertisements? I mean foolishness would be a mild word if you indeed would want to believe such crap. The problem is, we always believe that “we” are the people with best attitude and that our cricketers just don’t care about winning. Again, are you really of that mindset? Get yourself checked for devil’s sake. We will never know the feeling that one goes through while representing one’s own country. That is simply because most of us have never done that. So just stop questioning a player’s commitment to the team and their genuine efforts to win a given game. Look around friends, the game of cricket has changed and changed a lot. Haven’t you noticed? Gone are the days of players with 5’4”-5’8” height. Today cricket has become of game of powerful men, men who are taller and who are stronger. The talented, small sized players will win you some of the matches once in a while – but to win consistently – you need more players with good physique. Look at Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, England – they are teams with players who are almost all over and above 6 ft. Another proof of what I am saying is the list of top 10 raters in batting and bowling (in ICC ranking). They are 95% players who are physically well built and stronger. Till we find such players, we shall continue to have our bad days more often then the good ones. Getting the picture? Stop blaming the players for not trying then. They are just not physically up to the “changed” international standards at the moment. Can’t you see? So what do we do then? Throw away all the players at one shot would be your answer – wouldn’t it? But I say – No. Persist with the best in the lot and wait for that special talent to come through the ranks and then go about winning consistently. To demean a player is never the solution. They have worked hard to be a part of the Indian cricket team and they deserve respect for all the hard work that they must have put in to reach that level. If we keep abusing the players as we do in times of distress, and if we keep bullying them – they would be ashamed of being an Indian. Do you really want them to feel that because of your act of vendetta that you perpetuate on their honor? I say, be guarded against any attempt to question the morality, the commitment and the honor of players who represent the nation on our behalf. Put yourself in their place and perhaps you will know what they must go through when you raise such venomous slogans and noxious abuses on them. The least we can do is to have reasonable expectations from our players, and being their patron, be a part of their sorrow as much as you are a part of their happiness. Treat them with respect that they truly deserve and if we can’t do the basic minimum of showing respect – we better shut our mouth for good. And hey, stop talking about the constitutional rights of freedom of speech. If the makers of the Constitution knew that this nation would someday have poisonous creatures like us – they would never have allowed such a fundamental right to be a part of constitution. So shut up.

I can also go on and talk about the players and their performances that led to our losing the matches. But I do realize that no one has suffered more than the players and they know they have not done justice to their own talent and as a result have missed a big chance. I won’t dwell into that aspect anymore than is already obvious.

What can we do now?

Well for starters – stop thinking of being like Australians. You can’t be like an Australian when you are born in India and vice-versa. I don’t think Australians ever tried to be like West Indians when they started re-building their teams just because West Indies were the world-beaters then. They devised their own methods to succeed. And so should we. We can and we should build the team our own way. Again, there is no need for an Australian to tell us what to do.

It is time we learnt from the fate of our National Game, Hockey. We were world champions in Hockey till 70s. We had the artistry and the skill like no one else. Europeans came along and changed the way the game was played. The game became faster and more physical. We tried to keep pace with them and won some games through our skilled and artistic moves. But that was not to last for long. We started losing pretty much regularly over a period of time. We then thought of playing the way the Europeans did and started to imitate their training schedules and tried to match their speed. But their physical abilities were superior to us and hence we found that we could not keep up the energy levels for the entire game. So we then did the next best thing, we hired a European coach to learn some European tricks. That move failed miserably. Today we are in a state where we no more have the natural ability that we had in this great game of hockey, the artistry and craftsmanship have vanished, the skill has all but deserted our players and on top of that we have still not found stronger players to match the physical strength of European players. The result is – we mostly end up playing for last two positions in major tournaments. Reasons for me are very obvious; perhaps we were wrong in trying to replicate the methods of Europeans on ourselves. They could never have the skills in Hockey that we had in those times and hence they devised their own strategies (that rested more on the physical abilities and faster game, than rellying on crafty moves) to beat us. Lesson to be learnt here is perhaps to go back to our roots and pick up people who have the good old hockey skills and who are physically stronger. An Indian Hockey team with 5-6 physically strong, tall men and the remaining team having the best of hockey skills would be ideal match-winning combination for an Indian team. Till we do that – we will lose more than we win.

If we understand this, and put the lessons learnt in hockey to cricket, we shall be on the right path to start with. MRF Foundation created to train budding talent has been running in India for more than a decade and Dennis Lillee has been coaching there for all those years. We still don’t have a tear-away fast bowler in our ranks – do we? Hence, lets look at what best we can do with the players that we produce. That would give us some answers. In the quest of being like someone else – we are leaving our own identity behind and in a sense ridiculing our own abilities that are on offer. It is time we should start trusting our own selves really. It is time we re-invent that love for the game and stop looking at all things in black and white. Give the players who represent us in the team the respect and support they need and you will see that we will start producing better cricketers and better results in future. These people like Sachin, Saurav, Dravid, Kumble have given better part of their life to bring joy to our lives. Give them a chance to help resurrect themselves. We will son be among the top teams once again – there never was any doubt about that and there never should be any doubt even today.

Would like to end with an appeal though. All I would like to say is, it would be appreciated if you all were to be more cautious before demeaning your own countrymen (our own players in the current context) – especially when they are themselves demoralized. It does not reflect any good on us when viewed by the international community. Don’t also jump to adverse conclusions about your own people just because a foreigner tells you so. Cricketers in India have brought enough happiness in our lives. It is terrible on our part not to show our gratitude to them for such wonderful memories that they have given us. If we keep making their life miserable every time they lose – I am sure the parents of today will not encourage their kids to take up this wonderful sport (as has already happened to Hockey). That would, for me, be suicidal for the future of this sport in our country.

And finally, I hope I won’t be writing 15 years down the line repenting the state of cricket as a sport then, because of some insensitive handling of our cricketing heroes in this era. Let us save Indian Cricket from going the Hockey way. Its up to us

Think about it.

Mantosh Singh..

10^th Apr 2007’

Caste System – Take a Break

India entered into the so-called Industrialization phase some 40 to 50 years back. That is when the huge industries started taking shape in our country. From then on – slowly but surely, technology has increased the comforts of our lives in this country. This tremendous leap in the condition is thanks to the competition that has come in the wake of advanced and viable options from other countries, as a result of opening up of the market. The last decade has proved that competition helps in steady growth of economy and also helps the society in general.

But then that is something we all know. Let me introduce you to the boundaries of this article. This article is meant to show how industrialization and improvement in technology has created caste disorder and what is it that we can do to stop it from deteriorating.

First, let me give you a brief background on the origins of the caste system/structure we have had in this country.

The word caste is not Indian but comes from the Portuguese word “casta” (breed or race). The rulers of earlier era, the philosophical thinkers and the planners, wanted an ideal society where there would be people who would know their responsibilities and would work to fulfill them. Where they would be respected for their respective work and would be crucial to the smooth running of administration and maintaining harmony. It was due to this that they created Caste system. Ones caste determined the range of jobs or professions from which one could choose. Caste system is all about - a stratified and hierarchical socio-economic organization of society that evolved as India's ancient civilizations (with its own social order, moral and ritual codes), absorbed the nomadic, Sanskrit speaking, Aryan populations who crossed the mountain passes from the steppes of Central Asia and settled in Northern India. The ancient Hindus, literally meaning people of the valley of the Indus River, soon took on functions and specializations that had little to do with tilling the soil. The four castes developed out of necessity, for with the evolution of society it was no longer possible for the tiller of the soil to assume the functions of priest, warrior, merchant, and artisan all rolled in one.

A new way of life brought with it a need for governance and order, defense and conquest, learning and trade, laborers and artisans. Roles began to be defined and people were classified according to their function, occupation and economic place in society. The Rigveda defines four such social castes. Brahmins' were to be the spiritual and temporal guides, teachers and exponents of law.  Kshatriyas were the warriors, princes and kings. Vaishyas took on the tasks of agriculture and business. And finally the Shudras included individuals who performed service communities – manual and agricultural laborers, artisans, masons, etc. No king was complete without his Brahmin eminence grilse and over the centuries the Brahmins attained immense power, upholding the law as well as dispensing it. Although there are four main sects, there is one more sect that finds mention in the Rigveda, the so called fifth group in the hierarchy, the "outcastes" or "untouchables", who lived on the fringes of society and were very much a part of mainstream society as the tasks of scavenging, cleaning up after funerals, killing or hunting animals for food, working in leather and other unclean materials. Mahatma Gandhi gave this sect a name in the 1940s – Harijan, which when literally translated means "the people of God".

Interestingly Rigveda compares the caste system with the functions of human body. “Every member of each caste is a manifestation or derivative of the universe symbolized by the embodied human spirit and Purusha (body):

The Brahmin was his mouth,
Of both his arms was the (Kshatriya) made.
His thighs became the Vaishya,
From his feet the Sudhra was produced. (X.90.1-3)”

Thus, the society was bifurcated with the intention of allowing everyone to work in his or her specialized field. Things went smoothly till the modern world took over. We came to be ruled by people who had no sense of caste system and who eventually destroyed this caste system. India finally abolished caste system in 1949. That is where I think the problem multiplied. We tend to look at the caste system with a wrong pre-conceived notion. It was meant for the betterment of the society and unlike what we think – the Shudras and the Harijans were respected for their work in those days. But then times have changed and so have the notions and perceptions.

This is where history lesson ends.

You must be wondering why should I take you through the history of how the caste system evolved? Well the intention is for you to understand the different castes and their work culture. I want to prove that industrialization and technological up-gradation has actually been the single largest reason in the deteriorating caste situation in this country and that it has led to alienation of the Shudras from mainstream. It is known that only Brahmins, Kshatriyas and Vaishyas who would get formal education and training in those days. Shudras were responsible for most of the physical work in the society. This did not require any formal education and hence they remained uneducated for a very long time. With time, these people did not want to be left aside while the opportunities evolved on the horizon. They wanted to study and work on par with the other sects. The rulers of the country did not allow this for some reason. And so Shudras suffered.

Now Industrialization brought machinery and these machineries were improved upon with technical advancement in the field of science & engineering. Use of machinery meant reduction of physical labor. With the improved machinery being used in every part of the country – the physical laborers (read as Shudras) started losing their jobs. They were good at physical labor – but most of the work was and is now being done by machinery. Even to operate and control the machinery you require educated and trained people. Shudras have never been able to get these trainings as these trainings and education come with a price tag. They being the lowest earners in the society have always been on the fringe and hence have never got those trainings or education. Now, in any society, you will find that there are almost 60-65% laborers or people who do physical work i.e. Shudras, 20-25% Business community i.e. Vaishyas, 5-10% Police, Armed Forces etc i.e. Kshatriyas and 5-10% Politicians or strategists i.e. Brahmins.  Thus, we are looking at almost 50-60% people who have suffered because of this improvement in technology and impetus on Industrialization! That is a huge number. That amounts to 500-600 million people in our country? The current day rulers got this idea of giving them reservations in education and in service. How well it has been implemented and at who’s cost – is a question that would be a topic of debate for times to come. But how do you otherwise bring this huge sect of people up – who have been rendered homeless and without job due to industrialization? Industrialization and growth have reduced job opportunities for this sect. This sect specializes in a particular art – but the same was and is now been done by some or the other machine/tool.  There is definitely a case for Shudras to feel that they have been victimized/ oppressed - & so they feel too. This has led to all this caste disorder in the country – where Shudras have now started questioning on why should they be discriminated against in terms of education and right to earn? It is important to note that this has never happened in the history of our country. History proves that never before has a Vaishya asked why should only Kshatriyas rule or be the king? Similarly, in the thousands of years of our ancient history there is no reference of Shudras ever raising this issue of discrimination. Why? They were always doing the hard part of physical work. They always knew that they are the lowest earners in the society structure. So why this discontent today? It is simply because they had never been neglected. They always had a job, which could help them earn. But now, thanks to Industrialization and technical up-gradation, they are losing their jobs and their right to earn, which has pushed them to the brink of revolt. And revolt they will someday.

Don’t under-estimate these millions of people. They have the power of numbers and it is a “number game” these days. The day they rise together – they will create uproar. The years of suppression and oppression will come to the fore some day and that will be the day of reckoning. Just a case in point is the political scenario taking shape in our country. Our leaders have got a sniff of this discontent and it is no wonder that people like Mayawati have got tremendous clout. Rise of Bahujan Samaj Party (BSP) is by no means a fluke. Kanshiram (the founder of BSP) was not a fool after all. He could see the fire within this sect of modern day Shudras and decided to do something. He floated a political party and made Mayawati (a Harijan) the head of the party. Her party has made inroads in almost all the states that they have fought elections in. Be it Uttar Pradesh, or Madhya Pradesh, Delhi, Haryana, Maharastra or even Orissa. They may not have made Government in most of these states – but latest figure show that they do spoil the party of some other political unit by grabbing 5-6% votes (or more) in most of these states. And the percentage of votes is growing in numbers everyday. You think it is just a passing phase? Well – think again. Look deeper.

I ask you – do you want to see your country in turmoil? Do you seriously think that by working so hard to bring technology to the fore you will achieve harmony and prosperity for all? You have done enough damage by bringing in industrialization – forcing people to go out of jobs. You have rendered so many millions homeless. So here is what I suggest – I say it is time you STOP WORKING so hard for heavens’ sake!

Yes, the whole intention of the article was for you to know that you all are working too hard (Did you think there was some other intention of writing this article?). Relax. Take a break. Have a Kit-Kat or whatever. The country needs your sacrifice you know. So give it. Take your time out. For all you know you may help the country avert the impending disaster of caste disorder.

Amen!

Mantosh Singh..

25th Aug 2006'

The Train I took…

Ah finally the work is over. I have to catch the bus to reach Churchgate now. I have to catch the 6:04 local to Borivali at any cost. I have to. It is already late. I should run to the bus stop. Oh god there is a big queue here for the bus. Bus No. 82… 82… – Hah – here it comes. I run and jump on the bus. Boy, had to cling on to the door handle lest I fall. But at least I am on my way! Oh damn the red light. C’mon it’s getting late to reach the station. I look at my watch. C’mon…C’mon.

Oh well finally I can see the station. Am getting late – I must jump before the stop and rush to the station. I jump and fall on the road. Damn. Now I will have to get the shirt washed tonight. Never mind. I am ok otherwise. I should run to the station now or I won’t catch my train. There… There I see the local all set and ready. I must run. Oh shit – I should have seen that lady coming from the other side. “Oh Sorry Madam – I did not intend to trip over you”. I mumble – “Sorry – I hope you are fine. I have to really rush. Have to take that train Maam. Please don’t mind. I am extremely sorry”. I remember I have to also take the ticket. I glance at the ticket counters. Oh shit. How many people need tickets today? It’s a huge queue. Never mind – I shall go without ticket today for once. I have to catch this train. I simply have to. Oh God no – the train is moving. I must forget about the ticket and run. Yes run. I hold my top shirt pocket (lest my mobile falls) and run. There are others running too. What do I do – what do I do? I have to… I have to catch the train. God please. I see a hand stretched out to pull me in. I have to hold that hand somehow. But it’s dangerous. What the hell – I need to get in somehow. I see a man slowing down on the platform in front of me. Bloody hell – he will hit me… he will hit me. I take the outstretched hand and put my right foot on the floor of the train. With all my strength I catch the bar on the entrance of the train with other hand and lift my other foot to hang on to the running train. I brushed against the arm of the man who was slowing down. I just missed hitting him. I looked back and shouted “Sorry!”

I was relieved. I had finally managed to take my train. Now I shall have no problems. Boy! It was a close shave though! With the wind hitting me hard from other side I felt my sweat drying up. This position is uncomfortable really. Will have to get in at the next station when some people get down. I don’t think I will get a seat – will I? I see some people getting down at Marine Lines station. I push myself inside to finally get jammed amongst others. Oh God – this is worse. It is sultry in here. Was I ok in my original position? Too late to change that now - I already see 5 other hands on the bar where mine was. I have to be in this position for some more time I guess. Fine – so be it.

It is my son’s Birthday today. I have to get down at Borivali station and buy a gift for him. He has always wanted a Video game. I shall buy him the one Mr. Sharma has bought for his son. It is costly though. But I did a smart thing by saving a few rupees in the last 4 months – just for this day. Oh it doesn’t matter that I have not bought regular medicines for myself. Could not have done both in my salary! My Medicines are so bloody costly. But then I am sure the happiness and the smile on my son’s face would compensate for the lack of medicines. I can start taking my medicines from next month onwards. I will not die if I don’t take medicines for a few days. Nah. My Blood Pressure seems to be doing well! Well, a bit on the higher side lately. But that’s ok. Should not bother my family with such small things – should I?

My thoughts go back to my son. What a lovely kid. He is so cute. He stood first in his class you know. He loves drawing. He will be a great artist in future. I will have to save a few bucks next month to buy him a big drawing board and a few drawing sheets along with those colors that he keeps using up! Yes I will do that next month (forget the medicines). I also have to buy him a bicycle. He keeps referring to the small bicycle his friend has. It indeed looks very good. But it is worth 4K. How will I arrange for his Bicycle? Mmmmm… we will see. I shall gift it to him on the new year – he will be very happy. Yes – I will have to do it for him. Don’t want him to feel let down by his father. I want to do everything I can for him. He won’t have to struggle like me. I will make sure of it. Yes Sir I will.

My son loves his Grandmother and adores my Dad too. They in turn love him more than I thought was possible from a human being. Oh yes – that reminds me, I have to show my mother to the doctor this week. What time was it? I think 7:00 PM on the coming Saturday. Yes – that is it. The doctor charges heavily I must say. But then what can be done? He is the best there is in our area. Can’t compromise on the treatment of my Parents. Ma has not been keeping well for some years now. This Doctor has been good. At least her pains have reduced. The earlier Doctor was useless – he just minted money – nothing else. Thanks to Shiva (my dear friend) for referring us to the current Doctor. He calls my Mother Mataji you know! He respects her a lot. He is like God to my Mother. Will have to leave early from work on Saturday to be at the Doctor’s clinic on time. But will I be able to get out early from work? Oh – will have to manage somehow. Will see if my wife can go with her this time otherwise. Don’t want to put extra pressure on my wife – poor lady has so much to do throughout the day as it is.

My heart goes out to her. She has been a darling ever since she has come into my life. I have not been able to fulfill most of her wishes due to my limited earnings – but she has always laughed off and trudged along. She has been a true companion. I don’t get much time to spend with her now after our kid was born and with my Parents having come in to stay with us. She is so happy to have Ma & Papa around. She keeps telling me “they are our real source of strength”. Our Wedding Anniversary is approaching. I have not done much for her off late. I will present her gold earrings this time. Will have to borrow money to do it. But will do it anyways. Have been planning for last couple of years and have not been able to buy any ornament for her. This time I want to do it. She will be very happy I know. She has been wearing the same old earrings for the last 6 years. I feel ashamed and feel helpless. No more of that helplessness anymore. Will borrow some money and will return it once I get my salary increment this time. Would do anything to bring a smile on her face really.

We have reached Khar Road Station. Will have to shift my position now just to stretch a bit. Will go… Is this my phone ringing? Oh gosh. Now who is this? How do I get my hand to the shirt pocket? Wait – let me try. Ah… yeah I got it. I almost drop my Cell. Oops… Here it is. “Hello? Hello? Oh Shiva - Hey man – where are you?” Shiva is asking me where am I? I tell him “I am at Khar Road Station”. He is shouting about something. I ask him “What? What? …” He is still shouting at the top of his voice – BOMB BOMB…

BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM… 6:24PM

Where am I? Where am I? Oh God. What happened? Where am I? Why am I lying on the floor? Where am I? Oh please no… there is blood all around me. Oh God, Oh God… What is it on my stomach? Oh bloody hell – it’s someone’s hand. It’s someone’s hand. I must remove it. Why am I not able to lift my hand? Where is my right hand? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Where is my right hand? Where…. I fainted.

Oh… I am thirsty. I am thirsty. Please someone give me water. Give me some water please. Ah here you go. “Thank you Sir”. I must get up. Where am I? Oh so much blood around. What happened? What happened? Where is my phone? Where? I should get up and run. I can’t – I can’t – there is too much of pain. Someone please help me. Please help me. I have to go home. Today is my son’s birthday. I have to buy him a gift. He loves video games. I am getting late. It’s getting dark already. I have to… I have to get up… I fainted.

I am thirsty. There is water being pored on my face. I am moving. Oh finally I am moving. Good God – thank you. But no – I am not moving – I am being carried away. Two people. I can see two people carrying me in some kind of a bed sheet. There are too many people around. What happened? Where am I? Where is my son? Where is my family? Oh God – there… there has been an accident. Oh yes… it was terrible. Why don’t I remember anything? There has been an accident. There… no wait. There was a huge sound. Terribly loud. Was it… Was it a Bomb? Yes… now I remember. Shiva had called me… There is darkness all around. I fainted.

I am thirsty. I have pain, severe pain in my body. There is blood in my eyes I think. I must clear it. I can’t, I can’t. I look to my right. Oh God no… no… no… Please no… “Excuse me… Excuse me Sir. You have left my hand somewhere”. The person in my front never looks back. I call him again. “Excuse me Excuse me… my hand.. my hand… We have left it behind. Please bring it back. Please. I can’t go without my hand. Oh God please. Please help me. My hand… My hand…” I don’t have strength… I am feeling weak...

Oh it is paining. Where am I? Where am I? Where are other people? Is this some kind of hospital? Oh yes looks like. There is blood all over my body. I see a nurse on my right side. She is trying to do something on my arm. I turn to her. “I … Oh my hand. My hand… Sister I have left my hand near the train. You must get it. Please for God’s sake. Please Maam. Get me my hand”. I am crying loudly now. I hold her with my left hand. I must try to get up. I can see her eyes. She is crying… She is crying. “Oh please don’t cry. I will ask someone else. Or I will go myself. Please don’t cry”. I can see a lot of blood on the bed sheet on my right side. I must get up… I…

Am thirsty. Am extremely thirsty. Have severe headache. Where am I? Oh there was an accident… no-no a Bomb went off. I am wearing hospital clothes. There is no blood on the cloth. I look around. There are many like me on other beds. Doctors are running around. There have been many injured I guess. I must go home. I must at least inform my family – they must be getting worried. I… Oh I have lost my cell phone. How to contact my home? I must call the nurse. “Excuse me Sister. Excuse me. Can I make a phone call”? She says “Later Sir. Please bear with us. We have other patients to look at too. I shall get you my cell phone later for you to make a call – ok?” I see someone I know on the other side on bed. I must go and see him. I try to get up. Oh it is painful. I try to take support. Where is my hand? Where is my right hand? Oh god no… I have lost it. I have lost my right hand. No, No, No… how will I live without a hand. How will I live? I start crying. I can’t stop tears anymore. I have lost my hand. I keep crying. I feel very weak. I try to get up somehow. I take support from my only hand. I try to put my foot to the edge of my bed. Oh God nooooooooooooooo… I am falling down. I… I am falling down. There is darkness.

Happy Birthday to you... Happy Birthday to you... Happy Birthday dear Son – happy Birthday to you… “Dad! Dad! This is a beautiful Game Dad! I love this game. I knew you would get me one this time! I am so happy. I am so happy Dad! I love you”. My Son is a real beauty. It feels so wonderful to see him happy and smiling. Life seems so beautiful at these times. My Wife is smiling and laughing at the other end with one of her friends. There is a crowd of 50 odd people around. This is a wonderful evening. My son looks like a prince in his white dress his Grandparents gifted him. He is running around showing everyone the video game. I will never allow sadness anywhere near him. Never…

I am lying on the bed. Have been crying ever since I woke up. I have lost my right hand… my… my… both legs.  I have got crippled for life. I have a whole life to live – a family to support. I can feel a mask on my nose. Oh, looks like an Oxygen mask. My other parts of the body must also be malfunctioning. Oh God all this violence… What a waste? What a bloody waste?

There was a young Nurse and a Doctor standing near by. “Nurse did you hear the news? Looks like there were 6-7 blasts. Many hundred have died and many more have got injured. Those damn terrorists. What have these innocent people got to do with their objectives? What will they achieve by killing innocent men/women? What – for devils sake – what?” Doctor continues to show his anguish at no one in particular – “Those people claim it as a victory of Jihad. Is this victory? They should be brought here and made to look at these unfortunate people. Is this victory?” The Nurse had tears in her eyes. “ I know how it is Doctor. I… I… I lost my fiancée in one of the blasts. He was on that train from Churchgate and … and was in the same First Class compartment which got bombed. We were supposed to get…”

“Excuse me Excuse me…” I shouted. They both turned. I asked the Nurse on which train was her Fiancée coming? She told me the 6:04 Borivali local. “Where did the Bomb go off? In the First Class compartment?” I ask. She looked down and nodded her head. But I was… I was in second-class compartment. I regularly travel in 2^nd class compartments. How was I injured? This must be a mistake. I must be dreaming. I cannot be in the First Class … Oh no. Oh God no. I was running on the platform… I caught the hand of a person and… and jumped in. Oh – it must have been the First class compartment.  Oh of all the days – of all the days, was it necessary for me to travel in the First Class compartment today? Why God – Why?  Didn’t I have enough troubles in life already? Did I deserve to… Oh God I am sweating. My… There is pain in my chest. My body is shaking. “Nurse… Nurse…” There is darkness.

“Ma… Ma… Ma… I have got 95% marks this year Ma. I have come 4th in my class. Isn’t that great Ma?” “Oh my son… that is absolutely great”. She is hugging me. Hugging me tight. She has tears in her eyes. “Why are you crying Ma? Have I done anything wrong? I could not top in my class. Are you sad because of that?” “No, No… No my son. You have always made us proud. We will always be proud of you irrespective of whether you top the class or not. For us whatever you do is the best for us. We love you without any inhibitions Son. I am sure your Dad will be extremely happy to hear the results.” I hug her tighter  “Oh Ma… Thank You. Thank You Ma… Ma… Ma…”

I open my eyes. I am in a more isolated room. There are lots of machines around me. There are some wires attached to my body. There is no one around. Things look hazy. How did I land up here? I make an attempt to call the Nurse. A Nurse comes to me and tells me I will be fine. I had a major Heart Attack and asks me if it was my first attack. I start crying. I nod my head and close my eyes. Can’t stop my tears. Where is my Family? Where are they? They must be extremely worried by now. What do I do?

I hear someone talking in hushed tones near me. I think they are two nurses talking. They were saying… what were they saying? Oh I am not able to hear clearly. I try to concentrate. “Everyone is talking about the Mumbai Spirit. Isn’t it great? To see all the schools and offices open the very next day of the blasts? Mumbai is such a great place to be in. Isn’t it”? Oh yeah? Why don’t you ask me? I am getting worked up even in this state. They continue talking… “Government has announced a relief package for all the people affected in the terrible bomb blasts. Even Indian Railways will give out compensation to deceased people”. I hear them say something to the tune of 6-7 lacs in total to be given to the deceased. I can’t concentrate anymore. Oh God… what day is it? How long have I been…? I call out. I scream. The two nurses rush to me. I ask them what date was it? They tell me it was 13^th of July. Oh God I have been here for more than 48 hours and… and… I have to call my family. I ask the nurses for a phone. They tell me it is not possible to call from an ICU. They ask me for my residence phone number and assure me that they will inform my family immediately. No. No. “I want you to do it NOW”. I feel my pulse rising. “Please go. Please go and call them. Please…” And I think I fainted again.

“Listen, I went to the doctor today?” I look at my wife and ask her why? I am getting worried. “Is there some problem you have not been telling me lately?” “No No” – my wife looks down. “Then why did you go to the doctor? Tell me”. She looks at my worried face and starts laughing. I am perplexed. She just continued laughing. Oh she looks so beautiful when she laughs. I must remember to make her laugh more in life. I ask her again “Why did you go to the Doctor?” I hold her and ask again. I will never forget the expression on her face – she said – “You are going to become a father?” I just kept looking at her. Didn’t know what to say! This was the happiest thing to have happened to us in a long, long time. I looked in her eyes and asked her – “Oh boy – your friend Nisha is Pregnant?!!!” She did not know how to react! Then she realized that I was already running away from her! She ran after me. She was laughing and cursing! We kept running around the house from one room to other. When finally I stopped and allowed her to catch me. Oh – I am so happy. I hold her tight and ask her – “What can I gift you for giving me such a wonderful news?” I would have done anything she asked for then! She looked at me and said – “You know what – I just want to breathe my last in your arms whenever that is”. Oh I loved her all the more then. But I promised myself to get her a good ornament soon. She would look beautiful with a new ornament. I am so lucky to have her as my wife. I am…

It is partially dark in the room this time when I opened my eyes. Looks like it is night outside. I still have the oxygen mask on my face and all kinds of wires attached to my body and monitors around by bed. I am sure my Family would be coming to pick me up soon. Oh… Please come fast. Please… I want to hug you all. I want to be with you. Ma, Papa, I want to cry on your shoulders.

I keep looking at the ceiling of the room. How will I earn for a living? How will I feed my family? How will I take care of my Parents medical and other needs? My Kid is small. How will he be able to continue his studies with me not able to pay for his studies? How will I be able to fulfill his needs? Who will employ a crippled man? I don’t have other skills than the one required for my job. What work can I do with only one hand anyways? And… And what about my wife? What kind of life will she have with a crippled husband by her side? No… No… Oh God no. Why me? Why me God? What have I done to you to deserve this? Why me? I have never got involved in any violent activity in my life. I have never raised my voice against anyone. What have I done to these terrorists to bring me to this state? Why God – Why? Who is going to take care of us now? Will the government feed us for the remaining life? Will they take care of all our needs? What about my Parents God? What have they done to deserve this at this old age? Haven’t they suffered enough in this life? What had terrorists got against them? Why make us suffer? Will the terrorist take care of us – now that we have got burnt in their fury? If they can’t take responsibility of people like us – why make us the target of their violent plans? What have we Mumbaites got to do with Kashmir? Why are Kashmiri militants planting Bombs in Mumbai? Why God? Why indeed? What is the government doing to stop all this? Why can’t the government stop such attacks? What are they doing? Don’t we citizens mean anything to them? Who will remember a crippled man bombed in a train a few months down the line? Will the government give me concessions all my life? Will it give me job? Shouldn’t the government be punished for their laxness? What is the point of doling out a few lacs of rupees to the deceased? What about people like us who are injured – who are crippled? How do they plan to treat us for the rest of our lives?

I am getting agitated. But I feel no strength within me. I can feel my pulse rising. My Blood Pressure must be rising. But the questions just kept on coming. My mind was racing. What did the nurses say about the Mumbai Spirit? Well what about it? So the whole world has always talked about Mumbai Spirit. But what is this Spirit? Ask people like me. There is no spirit. There is only one type of spirit after such dastardly acts – those of the ones who are dead. Stop talking about Spirit, for God sake. Ask us. Ask me today. I am crippled and there is no spirit left in me to survive. I feel helpless. I feel let down by everyone – including… including God and my fate. Why God – why did you let me down?

I don’t want my family to suffer. I don’t want them to carry a crippled man all their life. I don’t want my son to see me in this helpless state. He has always thought of me as his protector. I can’t have him see me with no legs and no hands. I want the terrorists to be punished. I want the government to be punished. I curse the terrorists to hell. I also curse this government for not being able to save me from these unjustified attacks. They have always talked about winning the war against terror. For me – they have lost the war already. Ask me. I feel I… I… have lost the battle of life. I have no desire to live anymore. I cannot live like a loser. Oh God – I can feel my tears building up again. No… No… I shall not allow myself to suffer anymore than I have to.

Give me strength God. Give me Strength – for what I want to do – I cannot do without your support. Hang on with me this last time God. Please. I have no other option. I have to do this – for my family – for my kid and… and for myself. I am losing out on my consciousness. Oh God – don’t let me falter at this stage. Please… Please give me strength one more time…

I see faces of my son, my wife, Ma & Papa. Everyone is smiling. They are my strength. They are…Tears are rolling down my face. I manage to smile.

I can feel the darkness coming again. I must do it before I lose conciousness. I must… I look around and check for the Nurse. There is no one around. I take a deep breath. I lift my left hand and remove my Oxygen mask. I wait… I… I… I… am struggling for breath. Oh God – just hang on with me… just for a few more moments – help me through these last moments. I feel suffocated. Everything seems so hazy. There is an urge to shout for help. I cover my mouth tightly with my left hand. I can see a huge black object coming towards me from space. I see my wife crying with both her arms stretched out. I see my Father holding me. I see the image of my Mother in front of my face telling me to sleep in her lap. Oh thank you Ma… I… I… need to sleep one… one… last time in your lap. I See… I see… my Son – standing at the far end of the room – looking at me with red eyes. I… I… see tears in his eyes. Oh God – no… no… I am struggling. I want to move away from the black object. It is coming down… It is… It is…

I can see Nurses trying to pump my heart but there is no response from the body. They are trying everything to revive my heartbeats – but why am I not responding. Why? Why? Who is there at the door of the ICU? Oh. I see my Parents, my wife & my Son staring through the glass on the door.  They are all crying. Praying for me to get up. Oh dear God – make me live. Make me live. I… I…

Postscript

I had to do this as my last act of service to my family. I know my Family would get compensation from Government and Indian Railways if I die. They are anyways compensating only to the families of dead people. I have some Life Insurances done. That together with the compensation would help my family live for a few more years and I hope… I only hope by then they would find a way to earn some money through other means. Government has not bothered to care for me when I was alive and healthy. At least they will do something for my Family and perhaps offer some job to my wife when I am no more. I know I would have been a burden on them and on the society in my crippled state.

I did this, also to prove to the others unaffected by the bombings, that there are other spirits that need more attention in this whole tragedy. I did not deserve to be in the state that I am in – as much as anyone of you. But the fact is – you have survived this time. For you who have got lucky this time, it is a matter of keeping that ridiculous Mumbai Spirit running. I did not want to be a part of that phony paranormal spirit and hence I chose the real one.

Till you catch the train I took… its goodbye from me.

Mantosh Singh..

25^th July 2006’